I recently learned that a former patient, one that I really love attempted to take her life; gratefully she is still with us. She succumbed to the pain, the haunting in her brain as she put it to me.
It saddened me, it angered me, it bewildered me. I know her story, she shared it with me, reluctantly, but she did. But it is not the story, (which is horrible in its own right) it is the result of the story; A bright, beautiful, being, tormented by her past so much that she felt death was the only way out of the pain.
I wonder often if it is truly a “mental illness” or the torment of a brutally abusive life that is incomprehensible to so many. It is easy to name it Depression, but I wonder, if your life really was awful is it Depression? Or is it that we haven’t learned how to help people cope with such awfulness in their lives, which creates a lingering sadness?
It is easy to say, pull yourself up by your boot straps and carry on, and many do, until they just can’t anymore. They have tried, until it becomes overwhelming, until the stuffed down, pent up emotions of pain and hurt bubble to the surface unexpectedly and overwhelmingly. And because with those feelings comes all the fear of reliving their lives worst experiences, they struggle.
Many of us carry on in the world, with beautiful masks on daily. We don’t see the mask, we just live it. We tell everyone we are fine, that life is great, yet we go home and drink, or smoke pot, or take sleeping pills to relax and sleep at night because we are so anxious. We are a nation of people pretending to be alright, and when people can’t pretend anymore, we label them so that we feel better. And we block our feelings, stuff them down and tell others to “just deal it, it’s life”.
Holding onto your feelings and burying them deep inside is not healthy and those emotions will come out sideways, they will show up as anger, anxiety, depression, physical pain, fatigue, it will show up in your body and mind. When it shows up we don’t seem to understand it or why it is happening. Our bodies can only take so much emotional abuse of being ignored before it starts to get noticed in any way possible.
When was the last time you had an honest conversation about your fears, your deep pain, and your desire for more for yourself? When was the last time you allowed yourself to feel all of your emotions fully and not just get busy and ignore them? Or project them onto someone else? Was it recently, a month ago, a year ago, a life time ago?
I challenge you to allow yourself to feel all of your feelings, not just the “acceptable” ones or the “appropriate” ones, but all of them. The ones that can bring you to your knees in pain, and the ones that bring you to the stars in joy.
Stop burying your feelings, it leads to pain and misery and sadly for some it leads to Suicide. There is so much more to your life than your past, and the pain that you are currently in. The future is unknown and therefore at any given moment you can feel better and be happy. I often think that if my husband had ever actually completed one of his many suicide attempts, he would never have met me. He would not have travelled the world with me, he would not have spent glorious hours playing with our dogs and cats, or cheering on the New England Patriots at Super Bowls and regular season games. He would never have known the joys of life, the happiness, the magnificence of being alive and being happy, truly happy. So please, please, take care of yourself, allow for all your feelings, find someone you can share them with, a friend, a doctor, a therapist, a family member, a Life Coach someone that you feel safe with and that can be with you in your pain without judging you, your story or your pain.
If you are thinking of hurting yourself, Please reach out at 1-800-273-8255 ask for help. Beg for help if you have to, but get the help you need and deserve.
Let YOUR Light Shine.